Routine

I understand a routine can be boring, believe me, it can be dull at times, yet it works for me.

I don’t mean in the sense where you stick to a particular time, for me it’s doing the same thing each day. Let me explain.

My anxiety tends to keep me in my home, so I didn’t do the school run, I didn’t go shopping, I wouldn’t go in the car. I avoided going to my mum’s which is less than a five-minute walk away. My in-laws are a five-minute drive away, and I haven’t been there for nearly a year. We have a shop two doors down from us, and I wouldn’t even venture in there. I just locked myself off from the world.

Now, with this bout of anxiety it got even worse because hubby is stuck inside with me. He has cabin fever right now and is struggling. He is driving me crazy.

At New Year, we talked about me walking to school with him, getting back in the car, and letting him leave the house. With a new car, he is desperate to get out and test it. (Men and their toys.)

So, this is where the routine comes in. Last week I started the school runs again, I have noticed the more I do, the more I don’t think about it. Today was the furthest I got, one or two more pushes from me, and I will walk through those gates.

I have started to get back in the car and let hubby drive me around the village. This one is going to take more practice, but if I keep it up, it will come.

I have also started exercising again; this isn’t a problem as I do it at home, but I need the motivation to move my skinny ass to do it.

Next is letting hubby leave the house on his own. This is the hardest one for me and the one I struggle with every day. However, he needs to do this for me to get over it, and I need to let my anxiety take over. That is the hardest part. With routine, I hope to crack it.

My life may be boring to some, the school run, going out in the car, exercise, and hubby leaving the house, but it is working for me right now.

I have had two days of low anxiety, where I have coped, and enjoyed life. Last night something changed, and I went quiet, hubby noticed straight away.

I don’t know why it happened; I’m trying not to focus on it. I was waiting for my therapist to contact me about when she could come again, and when she did my stomach rolled.

Stupid I know. She has been here before, so why would I get anxious about it? I seriously don’t know. I am however not going to dwell on it; this will only make me stress about the visit.

I now have a little mantra I say to myself when I feel my thoughts heading in a negative direction. I AM STRONG. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I CAN DO THIS. It amazes me at times how those words can make a difference. I keep practising grounding myself, along with meditation. I try to do that in the morning, and at night, sometimes I need to do it more throughout the day.

I am also waiting on a board where I can put down all the things I do to see I am making progress as at times it doesn’t feel like it. I guess it’s like a kid reward chart in a way. Oh, I wonder what my reward could be for being a good girl? Chocolate sounds good.

Right, talking of routine, it’s time to put my coat and boots on to go for a drive around the block. My mind might be a powerful thing, but my determination is stronger.