Feeling more myself

 

I’m one of those people who think if I acknowledge I’m okay something bad will happen, but sod it, I’m going to anyway. I AM FEELING MUCH BETTER.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling with a few things, but within myself, I feel some peace. I will start with what I’m still finding hard.

I think in my last blog post I wrote about waking in the early hours and being up for hours going for a poo constantly. Well, I had another episode of that, and have now stopped eating cakes, biscuits, anything sugary really. I haven’t had it since. I am keeping a diary of what I’m eating just in case I do have it again, and hopefully, I can see if a pattern emerges.

With having that I’m constantly on alert about my bowel movements. My anxiety rises as I think I’m going to be on the toilet for the next four hours. It is especially bad at night, and if I wake up in the early hours. However, I will say, I have been sleeping through a lot later, which I’m happy about. This has always been my problem, my bowel movements, and to be honest, I think it will always be. Now I just know how to cope better with it.

Anyway, so that’s the bad so to speak, let’s go onto the good. I still haven’t made it into the school yard yet, but I am getting closer, and I just need to get over the crowd of people part. I have never been good with crowds. I want to go in, so that’s a good sign.

Walking, I’m actually enjoying doing. Hubby keeps trying to get me to do different routes. I like to stay close to home, but maybe it’s time to branch out.

Talking of hubby, he is still at home, but we are both aware going back to work is getting closer. Him leaving the house is getting easier; we have managed two hours of him being out the house. It is the first ten or so minutes of him leaving that I found the most difficult, but I’m back writing, so that keeps me busy. I’m finding it easy to let him take the kids to places nearby, which the kids are happy about. Some things I still find difficult. If I know it is a set place hubby needs to go, my anxiety becomes worse. However, I try and breath it out. There are many times I’m sat here, and my mind is twirling with, ‘phone him. He will come back.’

I have to tell myself ‘no,’ and do something to distract myself.

I’m pushing myself with the car journeys. I’m actually doing routes that I would avoid like the plaque. My next step is to try to get on a bigger road which I have always refused to do. The idea scares me stupid. My anxiety comes on if we get stuck behind a car, or have to wait at a roundabout. I’m sat there shouting at the cars to get a move on.

We have had some sunshine, and this always lightens my mood, I want to do more things when the sun is out. I was out in the garden the other day for two and a half hours pulling weeds up etc. I was so proud of myself when I finished; it looks so much tidier out there.

All in all, I’m feeling good, fingers crossed it lasts. HA! I just had a moment where something my therapist would say entered my head. ‘You need to reframe that, Sam.’

So I will. I’m feeling good, and it will last.

Set Back And Worries

I have had a little set back in my journey, but I won’t let it interfere with my progress.

Since I have suffered from anxiety, I have always dreaded waking up in the early hours to have a poo. If I did, I would have an attack and be up for hours.

Last week that dread happened twice. I do tend to get diarrhoea once in a while when my monthly is due, but for it to happen twice was a bit of a shock.

On both occasions, I was up for four hours back and forth to the toilet. And with both times I breathed through the anxiety.

I was very proud of myself for doing that as I would usually have been in a right state.

This unfortunately messed with my head. The bad thoughts would pledge me through the day and night. I would wake up in the dark to go to the toilet to then get back into bed thinking I was going to be up again with tummy problems.

I even noticed a pattern and would be worse on the days I expected to be hit again with diarrhoea. But touch wood that hasn’t happened.

I am more anxious again, and it reminds me of when I first got anxiety. I felt like I had gone back to square one again.

As the days go on, some bother me more than others. I’m always listening to my stomach which again causes my anxiety to rise. Through the day too.

However, I have my coping methods, and they are working so far. I actually had a night free of getting up for a wee last night, which has given me some confidence.

It is a lot of telling myself, I’m not going to have an attack, and I am strong. I really want to be free of this thing of my mind connecting with my stomach. It annoys me so much.

I am taking each day at a time and will get over this again. I will keep fighting.

If you have followed me on here, you will know my hubby has been working from home because I fear being alone.

It has been over two months now, and although his boss hasn’t shown any signs of concern about this, I am aware hubby will be leaving the house again soon.

This is where a new worry has shown itself. I have grown used to him being here. We have grown into a routine, and with him leaving again, I’m worried I can’t cope. I’m also worried it might make my anxiety worse.

I’m trying not to go there, but it’s in the back of my mind all the time. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to get over this.

I’m more comfortable in my positives that I do every time, but him going back to work is hanging over us.

I have suggested he gets up and leaves like he did last year just to see how we get on. I know I need to be strong, and I am to a fault, but this next hurdle scares me.

I guess I’m making excuses, and that’s on me. I guess it’s time I put these coping methods   into action.

Well, that is where I am at right now. I hope those that suffer are doing okay.

Doing okay

Just thought I better check in. It’s the school holidays, so it’s hectic here. As the title says, I am doing okay. My anxiety is low; it does rise at times, I’m coping, though.

I have been keeping myself busy with my book. I started this book last August then in November/December my anxiety got worse. I lost interest in everything. I couldn’t write, I struggled even to write ten words, so I left it alone. I lost confidence in myself.

I started writing again in Jan, and the words started to flow, and last week I finished the first draft. I can’t tell you how pleased I was about that. Loves First Bite is now out with my beta’s, and the feedback I have had back has been good.

I am in a routine with what I do each day, which helps a lot, but I know I need to step out of my box to push myself. The hubby is good at doing that when I don’t want him too, but I tend to go with it. He does get told off, but when I have achieved something different, it feels good.

Talking of which, I have been trying for weeks to make it to the end of this road near our home. Hubby came with me a few times last week, and I managed to walk it with him.

Yesterday I was on my own, and was very close to making it, but chickened out. Today, I had the same feelings as yesterday, yet I pushed through it and made it to the end of that road. The smile on my face was huge. It is now thinking about it.

Another thing which is getting easier is hubby going out. It does play on my mind waiting for him to go out, he choices when he leaves the house now. However, I am coping better when he is gone.

For example, I went upstairs to watch a film, and he decided to go out. I didn’t know he had, but secretly hoped he would do it while I was upstairs. He was gone for about fifty minutes. When he came back, he was so chuffed because he managed to let loose in the car down the motorway. He hasn’t done that with the new car.  

If I had known he had left, I don’t think that would have happened, but to see his little face light up was amazing.

Also, the daughter has been asking to be taken here there and everywhere, which has been a problem since December. I can now report a few times hubby has taken or picked her up from her friends. I’m going to be honest, I don’t like it, but I cope with it.

I guess that is the word, COPE. Fingers crossed this carries on like this as we need to get back to normal as a family.

I’m going to admit; I haven’t kept up with my meditation or my journals. My therapist has mentioned I’m in a false sense of security. Which I believe to be true. I do need to start back up with that and I will.

I have also noticed, I don’t think too much at the moment. What I mean by that is I’m not focusing on the bad thoughts. They flitter through unnoticed at times, which I’m happy about.

With certain situations, cough, cough, POO, they do appear, but I don’t hold onto them too much.

So, that’s it for now. I hope those that suffer are finding some peace from day to day.

Control

Control is one of those words that you either know you have or you don’t. For me I know I have it, I use it every day in my life. I’m not sure if that is because of the anxiety or not.

I guess it is now at this moment but has it always been that way? I haven’t thought about it until my therapist mentioned I need to let go of it. In my past, I didn’t think I had it, but sitting here now thinking about it I guess I did.

I didn’t have a father figure in my life, my dad was abusive to my mum and liked the drink. My mum ended the relationship and brought me up with my two brothers.  He had various relationships which ended up with me having half brothers and sisters. You will hear this same story from many others; it’s a pretty standard to come from a broken home even back then in the 70’s.

Without having a father figure, I guess I was always looking for love from any man, and unfortunately tried to find it by sleeping with them. Again, not uncommon. Even though I was looking for a relationship, I didn’t go out of my way to see anyone I hooked up with again. Those that I did have relationships with didn’t last long as I always felt unworthy. Ugly if you like. I never wore my glasses when I went out; I always thought if they saw me wearing them they wouldn’t want me. Stupid, right?

So, I had control over who I saw again. I had control if I wanted to break it off, for the silly reason, I didn’t think I was good enough for them.

I guess that comes from being told I’m ugly, that I was too skinny, mind you I was. That I had a hunch back. I wore glasses, had braces on my teeth, etc., etc. Again, a common thing. Everyone was picked on at some point in their life.  I took it to heart and carried it through my life.

My hubby is my first proper boyfriend I guess. Maybe I had grown up by then. I still carry this feeling of unworthiness with me. At times, I question why he is with me. How can he love me? He just does I guess. He sees something in me no one else had. Or maybe I just let him see all my flaws.

I have always had the control in our relationship. I didn’t realise until recently how much I do have. Yes, it is down to my anxiety because it’s what I feel safe with. For example, letting Ant leave the house. It has been on my terms.

After talking with my therapist, she made me see that Ant does love me, I am worthy, and he’s not my dad. I know this deep down, but I guess the past is always niggling away at me.

She also suggested that I hand the control over to Ant. To let him decide when he leaves the house. Today we tried this. As you all know it’s my biggest fear that I’m going to have an attack when he is gone. When he left, my heart beat out of my chest, but I did my grounding breathing in deeply and releasing the breath slowly. I did feel my heart slow down by doing this. After five minutes my stomach rolled, and I started shaking. I did end up phoning him asking him to come back. I didn’t think of the negative as soon as he walked through the door I said, ‘I did five minutes breathing which I’m happy with because I honestly thought I would be phoning you as soon as you left.’

He laughed at me. But it was our first try, and I’m pleased with how it went. It is hard just to stop controlling everything to hand it over to someone else. But I guess this is where trust comes into play, and I trust my husband. We both know we have to do this as it’s another step to get over this anxiety.

I hope this makes sense. I tend to write what I’m feeling and wonder if it comes across okay.

Struggling

Today is one of those days where everything is getting to me. I guess it’s because I’m on my period as I want to cry over anything.

It is also one of those days where my stomach is playing silly buggers, and I’m visiting the toilet a lot to go for a poo. I hate the noises this causes as it raises my anxiety. I’m more anxious when I have my monthly anyway.

I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere right now. The old Sam has come to visit. The daughter has Brownies tonight, and even though I walked her last week, the thought of doing it tonight is playing on my mind big time. I am giving myself positive thoughts, but they aren’t working.

I’m also struggling with letting the hubby out the house again. I’m hoping it is because my hormones are messing with me making me feel like shit. I honest feel like I have gone back to square one.

Don’t get me wrong I can see the positives from each day from my board, but the one problem keeps rearing its ugly head. I need to let Ant leave the house.

This is my biggest fear right now; I’m even in tears from writing that. Why can’t I get it through my thick head that he has to leave? At some point, he will have to go out for work.

We are lucky his boss is understanding, but at some point, that will change. It comes down to the fact that I’m scared of having a panic attack that has always been my problem.

Now, I know some of you will be thinking just have the attack get it over with. I agree to a point. The thing is one attack isn’t going to change anything. There could be more with him going back out.

Yes, I’m being taught by my therapist how to manage when an attack happens which has helped me out a lot. But for me, I don’t think I have my coping strategy yet. Maybe I do, I just don’t know how to use it yet.

I’m still walking to school although I haven’t made it inside the school yet. I’m still going out in the car, and at times I’m more relaxed with that. My hubby is still supporting me one hundred percent. Yet, I just feel stuck.

I keep asking the hubby if he is happy with the way thigs are going, he says yes, that I have come a long way. However, no one put me sees what this is doing to him. I detest myself for that. He just says he will deal with it, but why should he? He does talk to me about how he feels, but if he says something I don’t like, I go on the defensive. Then I feel guilty as I’m holding him back. I want to get better, and I know that will happen when I let go of what is holding me captive. I’m in tears now.

Sorry for my pity party. It helps to write down how I feel even if I feel like I’m repeating myself

My writing

I decided at the beginning of the week to stay off social media to try and get the story I’m working on finished. I think I lasted a day. I need the contact.

I am getting back into writing which I’m happy about. I have missed it. It becomes a part of you, the characters I write about are an extension of myself. It also helps with my anxiety in a way. I have something to concentrate on.

However, as soon as I lose that concentration my anxiety attacks me again. It’s like I have two stories in my head. The one I’m making up and the other is my real life. Maybe I should write about a character who suffers like I do.

Being an author isn’t easy that comes with a lot of anxieties of its own. I’m constantly aware of losing my fan base. I do have those that will stick with me through thick and thin. I love those guys. I find it hard to interact on my author page. I don’t know what posts to add to it. At times, I feel as if my writing sucks, and I’m not good enough.

I do know all authors feel this way from time to time. The market is so big it’s hard to get recognised out there. But I will keep trying because I love my stories, and sharing them.

I did a cover reveal yesterday on social media which, to be honest, didn’t do well. There are the usual bunch of beautiful ladies who did share that post for me. Thanks, ladies. I will be honest; I’m not good at promoting myself, so to have their support means the world.

The lack of interest would have usually bothered me, but for some reason, I’m relaxed about it. I am a very sensitive woman, HA, I think you have all gathered that by now. I was constantly told, I should have a thicker skin. I would put on a front saying I didn’t care about what the readers thought about my books. But, oh boy, I did.

At the end of last year, I told myself if my next book didn’t do well, I would stop writing, and go back to blogging. I knew deep down I would still write, but it would be in my own time. Shouldn’t I be doing that anyway? Yes, I should.

I guess this bout of anxiety has made me realise a lot of things about myself. One, I need to stop worrying about things. I’m working on that. Two, I need to stop trying to please others and please myself instead. Three, if a reader doesn’t like my stories, it’s okay. I provoked a response, and at the end of the day that it what it is all about. Good or bad.

Four, if one of my books doesn’t sell that’s okay too. I will just write the next one and hope that does better.

Five, I’m going to go at my own pace and be more calm about it. Maybe I have finally found that thick skin. Although, I do think every author out there has a moment of anxiety when they release a book. I believe that it’s a good thing. But it’s letting go of it after that I need to work on, and not hold onto it.

I want to finish this story on working on; I think I’m two chapters away from doing that. Get it published, and promoted the best way I can. Then instead of rushing into another story like I usually would, I’m going to sit back and relax. I’m going to let myself feel the excitement of releasing another book and treat myself. I have never done that. I think it is time I did.

Overthinking

The picture says it all. I am constantly doing this, and it drives me crazy. From the minute I wake up if something is happening that day my mind holds onto it and plays out different scenarios. What it comes down to is how my stomach feels that day.

If I have a poo before walking to school, I tend to hold onto every movement my tummy makes. Then my head kicks in telling me, ‘What if you need a poo while walking to school? You are going to panic if that happens.’ My stomach will then roll, and my anxiety kicks in. One these days, I have found I tend not to push myself, I use it as an excuse if you like.

This morning I didn’t make it any closer to the school, my daily drive was short and sweet, all because I am aware of the feelings of my insides.

My therapist tells me I’m too aware of what my body does which causes the anxiety to rise, and she is right. I meditate first thing in the morning to try and take the focus away from my stomach; it does work until I stop.

I am now trying to focus my mind on other parts of my body, so it’s not all in one place. I find this hard to do, and tell myself it isn’t working. I will keep trying, though.

It’s weird what my mind can pick up on without me realising it until something happens. I think what I do is put a lot of things to the back of my mind, so I don’t have to think about it.

I know my hubby is worried about his job, and he was expecting a call from his boss. He was due a one to one with his boss, tried ringing him, but he must have been busy because he didn’t answer. I didn’t think much of it.

The next day I kept asking him if he had spoken to his boss yet, and he answered with a no. It was actually when we were doing the afternoon walk to school that his boss phoned. He didn’t answer it as I went into a panic. I have no idea why that attack came on, and even when we got home, I had to go upstairs to try and calm myself. I couldn’t rest because I was worried about this call. I even asked him to go back downstairs as I didn’t want to hear his phone ring. After seven o’clock at night, I finally calmed down.

The next day when hubby’s phone rang I noticed my stomach roll and tried to ignore it. It wasn’t his boss in the end. I worried all day, again asking him if he had spoken to his boss. It wasn’t until later that day when hubby was in the kitchen making tea that his phone rang.

He had left his phone on the table in the lounge, and it was me who picked it up taking it to him. His bosses name flashed up on the screen. I felt my anxiety rise and quickly moved away from the situation to meditate. By the time I had got on the bed and took a few deep breaths, I had calmed down.

I had built myself up to that moment, and when it happened, it was over within two minutes.

This is what overthinking does. It tells you something bad is going to happen, and you believe it, yet when it comes you ask yourself, ‘What was all the fuss about?’

I felt a weight lift from my shoulders that night. I have noticed, I still get a little funny when his phone rings, but I sit it out, and not run away from it.

Today is an overthinking kind of day. I am due to speak to my therapist this afternoon. My mind is going crazy thinking of ways to cancel it all because I had a poo this morning. I am sat here telling myself, ‘Don’t be stupid. She can’t see you.’

My nerves will kick in they always do, and I will fight against them. Once I pick the phone up, dial the number, and start talking, I will calm down. My mind wants to tell my different. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

I’m also getting myself in a bit of a state over tonight. My son goes to the youth club and needs taken and picked up. Hubby has driven the distance with me in the car, and it is under two minutes. My mind excepts this, yet cannot get around the fact that hubby needs to leave the house. We have arranged for someone to pick him up, and drop him off these past weeks. This will no doubt happen again tonight. For the first time in weeks, I have made a suggestion.

If we still have the backup of the friend with picking the son up etc. I will see how I am at nine tonight, and if I’m feeling okay hubby can leave to pick him up. I keep telling myself it’s two minutes, I can meditate in that time. I have no idea why brownies and youth club play on my mind so much. Hubby goes out for longer in the car throughout the day. This frustrates me to no end, and I’m beginning to feel we are pissing people off with asking them to do this.

I hate that, but what I hate more is palming my kids off on others when I should be taking them places, well hubby as he drives.

I’m not trying to beat myself up over it all. I hope I have the courage to let the hubby go, and pick up the son. Keep your fingers crossed for me.