Control

Control is one of those words that you either know you have or you don’t. For me I know I have it, I use it every day in my life. I’m not sure if that is because of the anxiety or not.

I guess it is now at this moment but has it always been that way? I haven’t thought about it until my therapist mentioned I need to let go of it. In my past, I didn’t think I had it, but sitting here now thinking about it I guess I did.

I didn’t have a father figure in my life, my dad was abusive to my mum and liked the drink. My mum ended the relationship and brought me up with my two brothers.  He had various relationships which ended up with me having half brothers and sisters. You will hear this same story from many others; it’s a pretty standard to come from a broken home even back then in the 70’s.

Without having a father figure, I guess I was always looking for love from any man, and unfortunately tried to find it by sleeping with them. Again, not uncommon. Even though I was looking for a relationship, I didn’t go out of my way to see anyone I hooked up with again. Those that I did have relationships with didn’t last long as I always felt unworthy. Ugly if you like. I never wore my glasses when I went out; I always thought if they saw me wearing them they wouldn’t want me. Stupid, right?

So, I had control over who I saw again. I had control if I wanted to break it off, for the silly reason, I didn’t think I was good enough for them.

I guess that comes from being told I’m ugly, that I was too skinny, mind you I was. That I had a hunch back. I wore glasses, had braces on my teeth, etc., etc. Again, a common thing. Everyone was picked on at some point in their life.  I took it to heart and carried it through my life.

My hubby is my first proper boyfriend I guess. Maybe I had grown up by then. I still carry this feeling of unworthiness with me. At times, I question why he is with me. How can he love me? He just does I guess. He sees something in me no one else had. Or maybe I just let him see all my flaws.

I have always had the control in our relationship. I didn’t realise until recently how much I do have. Yes, it is down to my anxiety because it’s what I feel safe with. For example, letting Ant leave the house. It has been on my terms.

After talking with my therapist, she made me see that Ant does love me, I am worthy, and he’s not my dad. I know this deep down, but I guess the past is always niggling away at me.

She also suggested that I hand the control over to Ant. To let him decide when he leaves the house. Today we tried this. As you all know it’s my biggest fear that I’m going to have an attack when he is gone. When he left, my heart beat out of my chest, but I did my grounding breathing in deeply and releasing the breath slowly. I did feel my heart slow down by doing this. After five minutes my stomach rolled, and I started shaking. I did end up phoning him asking him to come back. I didn’t think of the negative as soon as he walked through the door I said, ‘I did five minutes breathing which I’m happy with because I honestly thought I would be phoning you as soon as you left.’

He laughed at me. But it was our first try, and I’m pleased with how it went. It is hard just to stop controlling everything to hand it over to someone else. But I guess this is where trust comes into play, and I trust my husband. We both know we have to do this as it’s another step to get over this anxiety.

I hope this makes sense. I tend to write what I’m feeling and wonder if it comes across okay.