Struggling

Today is one of those days where everything is getting to me. I guess it’s because I’m on my period as I want to cry over anything.

It is also one of those days where my stomach is playing silly buggers, and I’m visiting the toilet a lot to go for a poo. I hate the noises this causes as it raises my anxiety. I’m more anxious when I have my monthly anyway.

I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere right now. The old Sam has come to visit. The daughter has Brownies tonight, and even though I walked her last week, the thought of doing it tonight is playing on my mind big time. I am giving myself positive thoughts, but they aren’t working.

I’m also struggling with letting the hubby out the house again. I’m hoping it is because my hormones are messing with me making me feel like shit. I honest feel like I have gone back to square one.

Don’t get me wrong I can see the positives from each day from my board, but the one problem keeps rearing its ugly head. I need to let Ant leave the house.

This is my biggest fear right now; I’m even in tears from writing that. Why can’t I get it through my thick head that he has to leave? At some point, he will have to go out for work.

We are lucky his boss is understanding, but at some point, that will change. It comes down to the fact that I’m scared of having a panic attack that has always been my problem.

Now, I know some of you will be thinking just have the attack get it over with. I agree to a point. The thing is one attack isn’t going to change anything. There could be more with him going back out.

Yes, I’m being taught by my therapist how to manage when an attack happens which has helped me out a lot. But for me, I don’t think I have my coping strategy yet. Maybe I do, I just don’t know how to use it yet.

I’m still walking to school although I haven’t made it inside the school yet. I’m still going out in the car, and at times I’m more relaxed with that. My hubby is still supporting me one hundred percent. Yet, I just feel stuck.

I keep asking the hubby if he is happy with the way thigs are going, he says yes, that I have come a long way. However, no one put me sees what this is doing to him. I detest myself for that. He just says he will deal with it, but why should he? He does talk to me about how he feels, but if he says something I don’t like, I go on the defensive. Then I feel guilty as I’m holding him back. I want to get better, and I know that will happen when I let go of what is holding me captive. I’m in tears now.

Sorry for my pity party. It helps to write down how I feel even if I feel like I’m repeating myself