Feeling more myself

 

I’m one of those people who think if I acknowledge I’m okay something bad will happen, but sod it, I’m going to anyway. I AM FEELING MUCH BETTER.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling with a few things, but within myself, I feel some peace. I will start with what I’m still finding hard.

I think in my last blog post I wrote about waking in the early hours and being up for hours going for a poo constantly. Well, I had another episode of that, and have now stopped eating cakes, biscuits, anything sugary really. I haven’t had it since. I am keeping a diary of what I’m eating just in case I do have it again, and hopefully, I can see if a pattern emerges.

With having that I’m constantly on alert about my bowel movements. My anxiety rises as I think I’m going to be on the toilet for the next four hours. It is especially bad at night, and if I wake up in the early hours. However, I will say, I have been sleeping through a lot later, which I’m happy about. This has always been my problem, my bowel movements, and to be honest, I think it will always be. Now I just know how to cope better with it.

Anyway, so that’s the bad so to speak, let’s go onto the good. I still haven’t made it into the school yard yet, but I am getting closer, and I just need to get over the crowd of people part. I have never been good with crowds. I want to go in, so that’s a good sign.

Walking, I’m actually enjoying doing. Hubby keeps trying to get me to do different routes. I like to stay close to home, but maybe it’s time to branch out.

Talking of hubby, he is still at home, but we are both aware going back to work is getting closer. Him leaving the house is getting easier; we have managed two hours of him being out the house. It is the first ten or so minutes of him leaving that I found the most difficult, but I’m back writing, so that keeps me busy. I’m finding it easy to let him take the kids to places nearby, which the kids are happy about. Some things I still find difficult. If I know it is a set place hubby needs to go, my anxiety becomes worse. However, I try and breath it out. There are many times I’m sat here, and my mind is twirling with, ‘phone him. He will come back.’

I have to tell myself ‘no,’ and do something to distract myself.

I’m pushing myself with the car journeys. I’m actually doing routes that I would avoid like the plaque. My next step is to try to get on a bigger road which I have always refused to do. The idea scares me stupid. My anxiety comes on if we get stuck behind a car, or have to wait at a roundabout. I’m sat there shouting at the cars to get a move on.

We have had some sunshine, and this always lightens my mood, I want to do more things when the sun is out. I was out in the garden the other day for two and a half hours pulling weeds up etc. I was so proud of myself when I finished; it looks so much tidier out there.

All in all, I’m feeling good, fingers crossed it lasts. HA! I just had a moment where something my therapist would say entered my head. ‘You need to reframe that, Sam.’

So I will. I’m feeling good, and it will last.