Overthinking

The picture says it all. I am constantly doing this, and it drives me crazy. From the minute I wake up if something is happening that day my mind holds onto it and plays out different scenarios. What it comes down to is how my stomach feels that day.

If I have a poo before walking to school, I tend to hold onto every movement my tummy makes. Then my head kicks in telling me, ‘What if you need a poo while walking to school? You are going to panic if that happens.’ My stomach will then roll, and my anxiety kicks in. One these days, I have found I tend not to push myself, I use it as an excuse if you like.

This morning I didn’t make it any closer to the school, my daily drive was short and sweet, all because I am aware of the feelings of my insides.

My therapist tells me I’m too aware of what my body does which causes the anxiety to rise, and she is right. I meditate first thing in the morning to try and take the focus away from my stomach; it does work until I stop.

I am now trying to focus my mind on other parts of my body, so it’s not all in one place. I find this hard to do, and tell myself it isn’t working. I will keep trying, though.

It’s weird what my mind can pick up on without me realising it until something happens. I think what I do is put a lot of things to the back of my mind, so I don’t have to think about it.

I know my hubby is worried about his job, and he was expecting a call from his boss. He was due a one to one with his boss, tried ringing him, but he must have been busy because he didn’t answer. I didn’t think much of it.

The next day I kept asking him if he had spoken to his boss yet, and he answered with a no. It was actually when we were doing the afternoon walk to school that his boss phoned. He didn’t answer it as I went into a panic. I have no idea why that attack came on, and even when we got home, I had to go upstairs to try and calm myself. I couldn’t rest because I was worried about this call. I even asked him to go back downstairs as I didn’t want to hear his phone ring. After seven o’clock at night, I finally calmed down.

The next day when hubby’s phone rang I noticed my stomach roll and tried to ignore it. It wasn’t his boss in the end. I worried all day, again asking him if he had spoken to his boss. It wasn’t until later that day when hubby was in the kitchen making tea that his phone rang.

He had left his phone on the table in the lounge, and it was me who picked it up taking it to him. His bosses name flashed up on the screen. I felt my anxiety rise and quickly moved away from the situation to meditate. By the time I had got on the bed and took a few deep breaths, I had calmed down.

I had built myself up to that moment, and when it happened, it was over within two minutes.

This is what overthinking does. It tells you something bad is going to happen, and you believe it, yet when it comes you ask yourself, ‘What was all the fuss about?’

I felt a weight lift from my shoulders that night. I have noticed, I still get a little funny when his phone rings, but I sit it out, and not run away from it.

Today is an overthinking kind of day. I am due to speak to my therapist this afternoon. My mind is going crazy thinking of ways to cancel it all because I had a poo this morning. I am sat here telling myself, ‘Don’t be stupid. She can’t see you.’

My nerves will kick in they always do, and I will fight against them. Once I pick the phone up, dial the number, and start talking, I will calm down. My mind wants to tell my different. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

I’m also getting myself in a bit of a state over tonight. My son goes to the youth club and needs taken and picked up. Hubby has driven the distance with me in the car, and it is under two minutes. My mind excepts this, yet cannot get around the fact that hubby needs to leave the house. We have arranged for someone to pick him up, and drop him off these past weeks. This will no doubt happen again tonight. For the first time in weeks, I have made a suggestion.

If we still have the backup of the friend with picking the son up etc. I will see how I am at nine tonight, and if I’m feeling okay hubby can leave to pick him up. I keep telling myself it’s two minutes, I can meditate in that time. I have no idea why brownies and youth club play on my mind so much. Hubby goes out for longer in the car throughout the day. This frustrates me to no end, and I’m beginning to feel we are pissing people off with asking them to do this.

I hate that, but what I hate more is palming my kids off on others when I should be taking them places, well hubby as he drives.

I’m not trying to beat myself up over it all. I hope I have the courage to let the hubby go, and pick up the son. Keep your fingers crossed for me.