Ups and Downs

We all have them, right? Even those that don’t suffer from anxiety. Life is full of them.

At the weekend, we tend to take things easy in our household, so I don’t push myself as much. Although I did dance my ass off playing Just Dance. I can throw a mean shape or two.

To see my daughter’s face light up as I danced beside her was amazing, watching myself back on the recording not so much. Those mean shapes are not that good. But hey I had fun doing them and laughed at myself.

Hubby also managed to get out of the house, twice. They weren’t for long periods, but it happened.

Come Sunday, I didn’t feel so great, my stomach was playing up. It hadn’t caused me problems for three weeks now, so it hit me out of the blue. I’m a complainer when I don’t feel great, and my hubby kept getting the brunt of that.

The daughter needed to be walked to my mums, and hubby took her. As soon as I knew they were going, I went into one. Instead of doing what I usually do which is getting up to walk around, I forced myself to lie down on my bed, and breath through the three minutes he was gone. I did it and calmed a little. I think it helped that I knew I was going to be busy when he got back as I needed to clean. Cleaning was my positive for the day as I didn’t want to do it.

The husband also waited until I was asleep which was after midnight to pop out to buy a few items from Tesco and to get me a magazine I wanted. I hadn’t known he had left but woke up when he returned. I’m still not sure how I feel about this. I know he wanted to do something nice for me, and I’m grateful for that. However, he didn’t get to sleep until after 02:00 AM and the alarm went off at 07:00. The magazine could have waited, him getting a decent night sleep means more to me.

So, to be honest, it was an okay weekend.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. I hadn’t thought too much about it, although hubby would say different. When I woke up, bearing in mind I had stomach problems yesterday; my bowels decided to play silly buggers. I haven’t been this bad since I started speaking with my therapist. I have been pooing since seven this morning, and with that has come the sickness.

This is when I let my anxiety win, I didn’t feel great, so I decided to let my therapist know. I couldn’t deal with a face to face session. I let the fear win again, and we talked on the phone instead. I didn’t cancel; I still reached out. My hubby was mad at me for doing this which caused some tension between us.

I don’t like this tension as a part of me feels like he is rejecting me, I need him to be strong so that I can be if that makes sense. I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t have my back. My therapist made me realise that he is his own person, and he reacts differently to me. He needs time to. Maybe I’m putting too much on him; I hope I’m not.

I don’t know why I’m getting stressed about my therapist coming into the house; I don’t want to dwell on it too much. What did come out of us talking was I had something else on my mind, which I hadn’t paid too much attention to because I didn’t think it was a big deal. So, I did get a positive out of our chat even though I was feeling negative. I also realised I was doing something I shouldn’t be. I told my therapist that I felt like I was doing all I have for her. I felt the same way when I did CBT. I think it’s because she gives me the confidence to do it. When the CBT sessions stopped, it didn’t take long for me to go back to my old ways. This time around, I know she will be there for as long as I need her. I will also start to think I’m doing this for me, no one else, but for me.

She also made me see that it isn’t an easy road I’m on. The old Sam likes to come out and play at times, like this morning. The new Sam needs to build herself back up, and let today go because tomorrow is a new day. My stomach is playing up still, but I did go out in the car even if it was just a quick drive.

 My therapist says I’m too hard on myself. I guess I am. I’m hoping with time that will ease. I might be down today, but there is only one way to go, and that is up.