What a difference a day makes

Yesterday was a weird one for me. I knew the mother in law was going to get the new car, and for some reason, I worked myself up about it.

I stayed in my room, put the TV on loud, and meditated for about an hour and a half. I had a time in my head when she would come, and I didn’t want to hear her come in the house. I’m a funny old bugger.

That time came and went, still no sign. Hubby came up to talk to me, and I told him how I was feeling. Hubby said it might not happen today it might be Monday that the car is ready. After that, I relaxed a little.

I hadn’t heard someone else come into the house until they were about to leave. Hubby came up and told me his brother had come around. About ten minutes later his brother knocked again and came in; my anxiety didn’t like that. Hubby dashed downstairs, and I ended up meditating to try and calm myself. I managed to hold on for ten minutes before I texted hubby telling him I was getting funny. He texted back saying his brother was leaving.

His brother left, and I calmed down yet again. I had a big problem a few years back where I didn’t like people coming into the house, and everyone just stopped coming around. I don’t want that to happen again as friends dwindle away. I would like to keep the ones I have now thank you. Although, I can count on one hand how many that is.

Five minutes later another knock came to the door which was our Tesco delivery (food shopping.) I immediately placed my earphones in my ears, but the funniest thing happened, I realised I wasn’t bothered by it, and took them out.

An hour later, I heard voices downstairs, and it was mother in law. Instead of staying in my room like I had with hubby’s brother, I went down to say hello. She had come to get the documents for the old car to go and get the new one. Low and behold, my anxiety didn’t bother me, so why in the hell had I worked myself up that morning? I guess it’s something I just do, another behaviour I have created that I need to stop.

Anyway, something I have been worrying about over Christmas had finally been sorted, and a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. To see the excitement on my hubby’s face at getting his new toy has given me a lot to think about.

Something else happened that night too. The son goes to youth club, and hubby usually gives him a lift there and back. I said no, and hubby had to sort out a lift for him to go. I sat there feeling so guilty, not only because of my son but because we had to involve someone else in all this. My anxiety is affecting my kids more than I thought. I don’t want that; I hate that I’m doing this to them. I know now that we have the car, that I need to push myself to let hubby go out. To let him take the kids where they need to go. Five minutes seems like a long time to me, but it’s not. I can meditate in that time, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m holding my family hostage; I can’t keep doing that.

Fast forward to this morning. I have wanted to dye my hair since Christmas. However, my anxiety has held me back. I get thoughts of, ‘What if I have a reaction to it, and have to go to hospital.’ Stupid I know. I have been dying my hair for years.

I woke up this morning and decided to do it. I was sick of the grey halo growing on top of my head. Again, I had the same thought, but got up and did it. My legs shook a bit my thoughts were telling me, ‘I don’t like this. Wash it off now.’ I didn’t, I pushed through it by cleaning upstairs. It was only about ten minutes before I had to wash it out that I relaxed about it.

I know this might sound daft, but once my hair was towel dry, and the grey was gone, I felt pretty again. It gave me a boost. I got dressed and finished doing what I was doing.

My laugh for today was when I noticed the cat staring and pawing at something behind a cupboard. I took a look to scream when I saw something furry. I’m smiling to myself writing this. I yelled for hubby, and along with him came three running kids to see what all the fuss was about. We were all stood back trying to peek at what this creature was behind the cupboard. The youngest yelled out it’s a rat because she could see a tail. We all stepped back with a few chose words coming from me.

Hubby pulled the cupboard out still keeping way back. Once he did the cat pounced a few screams went up as the cat grabbed a mouse to then run around the house. After the cat had made it out the back door, I started laughing. It was the thought of two adults, and three kids acting the way we did over a mouse. Laughter really is the best medicine.

My mum phoned sometime later to say the youngest could go around as my niece was there. After two minutes of arguing who was taking her, I did it. I was the only one dressed but didn’t want to do it as my hair was puffy from dying it. But I thought who cares. If someone sees me, so what. I did feel my anxiety rise, but I told myself I would be okay and I was. I didn’t cross paths with anyone either.

My mother in law and father in law turned up about an hour ago, and my father in law hinted I should get in the new car to go for a drive. I brushed it off, but three minutes later with two kids dressed in their PJ’s we all got in and drove down the road. It was only a three-minute affair, but at least I didn’t put it off.

Some days I find hard, and other days I can do things. That’s okay, though; I shouldn’t beat myself up over that. But on my good days, I smile bigger and feel so much better about myself. Here’s to more smiley days.