I wish my mind would shut up

I’m going to be honest; there would be no point to this blog if I weren't. I’m struggling, I have been for two days now.

It really feels like I have taken a step back. Everything my therapist has taught me to do has decided to go bye bye. I’m not sure if it’s the fact I have my monthly, or if I’m just blaming my anxiety on that. As I write this, I can feel how tight my chest has become, so I’m taking deep breaths to try and ease it.

I’m being bombarded with all my old thoughts again. People are constantly telling me to be strong, but I’m finding it hard right now. I don’t have the strength. Deep, down I know I do, but I guess I’m used to feeling this way. It’s harder to fight it, so why bother?

And this is where I know I have to find that inner strength because I don’t want to be anxiety Sam anymore.

Something has just happened; Hubby was outside cleaning out his old car ready to do a swap with the new. That is another worry playing on my mind. He might have to go and get the new car. Anyway, I will save that for another time. He came back in with a royal mail card in his hand saying the postman tried to deliver three parcels. Because we weren’t here, they are now sat at the sorting office waiting to be collected. My stomach rolled over; I feel sick as I know hubby has to collect them now. I’m having trouble letting him leave. My mind is now going mad with ways to get these parcels.

DAMN IT!!!

On top of that, I was stressing over hubby. He has been trying to get hold of his boss to let him know what is happening at home. We decided it was best for him to be honest. Hubby was stressing big time worried he might lose his job because of the way I am right now.

His boss finally phoned this morning. After speaking to him, hubby came and told me his boss was understanding, and told hubby he could work from home for a bit.

This has eased our worries somewhat, but hubby made the point that his boss could just be saying that, it’s what he says behind his back that causes him to be worried.

Even though that has been sorted, and will give me more time to get the help I need, I know hubby will still stress about it.

That is another reason why I need to gather my wits again; we really can’t afford him to lose his job.

Then the thoughts decide to let me think the therapy isn’t going to work. They are driving me crazy, so much so I just want to go to my room and say sod it.

I have had a couple of positives today; maybe I should hold onto them, and tell myself I am getting better even if it doesn’t feel like it.

The school journey this morning was okay; I made it further than yesterday. I have noticed when I can see more people my anxiety goes higher. I guess that is my next hurdle to cross. I have also noticed that if I see two particular women my stomach rolls. They haven’t said or done anything nasty; they just like to give dirty looks. Maybe I should just smile at them, and say hello, that would shock them. I am one of those people who gives off a vibe of don’t talk to me, even though I want you too. I’m just not good at taking that first step to talk first.

Once someone talks to me, I can be quite nice and talk back.

I walked to my mum’s because her neighbour needed a microwave moved from her car into her home. Mum asked hubby if he would do it. I think I have walked more in the last three days than I did last year, again another positive for me.  

Right, I better cut this short as it’s nearly time to pick the daughter up, well for me to walk as far as I can to the school. I want to get a quick meditation in before I do, to get myself in a better place. Thanks for reading.