The constant battle between good and evil

When I say good and evil, I don’t mean angels versus demons or vampires versus werewolves, sorry the author part of me coming out there. What I mean is negative and positive. My constant negative thoughts and the positive I need to change them too.

After a great session with my therapist yesterday, I was on a bit of a high. However later that night, I went quiet. Of course, my hubby noticed and asked what was wrong. I explained that my head was just full of, car (we need a new one,) school (the kids go back this coming Tuesday,) and work (hubby goes back Thursday.) I know, I know, I’m focused on the future when I shouldn’t be. I told myself, I am strong, I can do this, and it works until the thoughts come again.

My anxiety this time around is focused on being alone, an attack can come on if hubby leaves the house. I really, really hate this because I’m controlling him, I know I am, but I honestly don’t want to. Yes, we know it isn’t good for him to come back when I ask, and it has even been suggested he says no to me. This upsets me, because if he did that he would lose my trust, yes again that is another form of control. I’m not stupid; I know what I am doing, and it’s a behaviour I need to break. Again, this all comes down to me having an attack, and what I’m finding hard to deal with. What is the worst that can happen? I go through the attack, I end up on the toilet, go through all the symptoms, and then it’s over.

You have no idea how much I want to just do this, to let go, but I fear it so much. I know I’m not going to die, I will feel like shit for the rest of the day, so why is it so fucking hard to do? It feels like I have a mental block that holds me back, a part of me that doesn’t want to take that step.

Another thing that happened was my mum asked if hubby would take her shopping the next day (today.) I shot her down straight away. She left as my therapist was here at the time. Later on, I felt so bad for doing that, all hubby has to do is drop her off, it would be five minutes if that. My mind just couldn’t grasp that fact. It was five minutes I could have an attack.

Anyway, the thoughts left me alone for a bit, and I watched some TV before going to sleep.

When I woke up, I felt a bit off, not anxious, just a feeling of being down. I know my monthly is due soon, and I know I tend to go down around about this time. My hormones play havoc with me making my anxiety worse.

I’m lying there as I don’t want to wake hubby, and I’m struck with all these thoughts again. I literally have a whole conversation with myself.

‘You can do this, Sam.’

Then comes the, ‘No you can’t you like being this way.’

‘No, I don’t, I want to be stronger.’

 I’m chanting in my head. ‘I am strong. I can do this.’
I will point out I’m not anxious at all with this.

Then I know my mum will be here soon asking for a lift again.

‘What will I do when she asks?’

My mind then whirls. ‘Maybe we can phone my mother in law, and she can pick her up.’

‘Yep, that sounds like a plan then Ant doesn’t have to leave you.’

Now, this is when I break down and cry. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. It’s hard to be positive when I’m used to being negative. I’m not saying I’m not trying to be because I am.

I threw myself at hubby in tears who was half a sleep. He finally noticed I was crying and hugged me asking what was wrong. I wouldn’t talk at first because I didn’t want to explain my negative thoughts again. It’s something I have done over and over again for weeks now.

He made me look at him, and asked me to talk to him. So, I did. I love my man by the way. No matter what I always have his support.

After I had finished talking, he reminded me that I had been a half glass kind of girl for most of my life, so it will be hard to change my thoughts to start with.

He made me laugh trying to take my mind off it, which he does a lot. I’m thankful for that.

Then my mum came, we were still in bed at this time. She asked if hubby could pick her up from shopping, I said we would ask if the mother in law could pick her up. (Sorry mother in law if you are reading this for presuming you would.)

My mum said it was okay; she would catch the bus back. I asked if she was sure. She said yes and went on her way. I can’t tell you what this did to me. It fucking hurt to do that. I’m angry at myself, five minutes just five minutes. Why can’t I get my head around that?

There are so many whys, what ifs, I can drive myself crazy with them. It’s like I have this little child inside myself throwing a tantrum.

‘You won’t get better, Sam. You are stuck like this. You want to be like this.’

The point is, I don’t. I hate what I’m doing. I know I have to be stronger to get to the other side. At times, I don’t feel I can be, like today. I need to be determined, I can be in other areas of my life, I just struggle with the anxiety part. I keep asking myself, ‘What is holding you back?’

I can’t answer that because I tend to focus on the attacks and blame them. Is there something deeper? Yes, I guess there is.

I know talking with my therapist is helping, writing this blog does the same. So, yes I’m dealing with the good and evil, good always wins, right?