This time of year

I’m not a fan of Christmas and New year, but I do it for my kids. They need to experience the joy of opening gifts and welcoming in a new year. Don’t get me wrong; I like opening presents too. However, I can do that any time of the year.

I guess that attitude comes from my upbringing; I was brought up as a Jehovah Witness. My mum is still one to this day; I’m not. We didn’t celebrate Christmas or birthdays; we did receive presents, but before hand or after. As I got older, I would celebrate with my aunt and her family. I enjoyed those parties.

From having kids of my own, I got back into the swing of the festive season, but never gave it my all. I still don’t if I’m honest.

Two years ago, I was ill around this time; I had woman problems. My anxiety grew worse as I was in pain. I couldn’t sleep as I had panic attacks. I also had my fear of the darkness and going for a poo in the early hours. I was in a right state.

Going to the Doctor’s is hard for me as I don’t travel in the car, and it was shut anyway. When I say asking for help is the last resort, you know how much this was affecting me. My anxiety more than likely made it worse than it was.

Hubby ended up calling out of hours for me. Although they were understanding, and when I spoke to a doctor, they wouldn’t come out to me. I had to go to them. Of course, I couldn’t because of my anxiety. I think we ended up phoning them another two times as I was going out of my head. I remember wishing one of the doctors a Happy New Year.

One of them decided to prescribe diazepam, which my hubby went, and picked up. I have said before I’m not a tablet person, but after asking on Facebook what diazepam did, I took one. Yes, it calmed me, and I slept after a while, but the next day, I was in space. My mind fogged, I didn’t feel like me.

Through taking that, I managed to make it to my doctors for the first time in over ten years.

I was shaking, needed to use the toilet, and paced outside until my name was called. I remember clutching my rescue remedy in my hand if my life depended on it. I have no idea why. The nurse was nice. She did a smear test which wasn’t nice, ladies you will know why. She also took some blood. By the end of that and through some talking, mostly on my part as I talk shit when I’m nervous, she made me feel like it was all in my head.

Hubby was waiting for me, and because I was somewhat calm, I asked if my doctor was free. He was, and I went to his room for him to tell me the nurse had let him know she couldn’t see anything wrong with me. I explained what had happened again for him to dismiss me. He even said he didn’t understand mental health. He prescribed tablets, and again I came to a point where I wanted to get over my anxiety, so hubby got them for me. He also mentioned CBT.

I’m very aware of side effects of tablets probably too much, so when I took one I was very aware of what the tablet was doing to my body. Let’s just say I didn’t like it. I hate the hazy feelings that take over, that I’m not me. Those tablets didn’t last. I’m just not a tablet person; I’m afraid to say. I ended up phoning the number the doctor gave me for CBT to be told there was a waiting list. So, I just had to wait.

When I phoned the doctors for the results, my smear was clear, thank God, but the blood results had picked up something. It turned out I had high cholesterol. Now, you can imagine with someone with anxiety this freaked me out. I was going to die etc. etc. Tablets were once again prescribed. We searched the internet about high cholesterol, decided to change our diet and to exercise. That was the best way to go for us. The tablets got shoved in a drawer. That decision was the best one we made. Gone was the cans of coke I drank every day.  Gone were the four cans of Stella I drank most nights. In was chicken and rice and water.

I dropped two dress sizes with that diet and through exercise. However, with that came my self-awareness of how thin I had become. Some comments on Facebook and from family members didn’t help.

I went through CBT in May three months later, which helped in a way. You are only allowed so many calls with them, so when that ended, not long after so did my goals to get over my anxiety. I think I’m the sort of person who needs constant contact to deal with what I go through. The exercise slowly lost its appeal, and I started to add more fat back into my diet.

When summer, turned into autumn, and then winter, I could feel my mood change. I began to worry about Christmas and New Year. That what happened the year before would happen again. I even put a sex ban on hubby for the month of December so that I wouldn’t feel any pain down below. I did it this year too.

I decided to decorate the house to distract myself from thinking I would get ill again, which I did this year too. Can you see a pattern here?

Although I did have a good Christmas that year and New Year, I put a face on as I have this year. I don’t know what it is about the darker months; my whole mood goes downhill.

So, there you have it. This is part of why I can’t wait for Christmas and New Year to be over. However, I’m determined 2017 will be the year I deal my anxiety. My behaviour is out of order, and affecting my family more than I thought. No more, Sam. It’s time to take control.

With that, I wish you all a very Happy New Year. Here’s to one of good health and good mental health.