D-DAY

I’m calling this post D-Day as two and a half weeks ago this is how I saw today. Of course, I don’t anymore. This process is about taking one step at a time, and that is what I am doing.

Two and a half weeks ago, I reached out because I couldn’t deal with my anxiety. It had taken another turn and wanted to fixate on hubby leaving the house.

I won’t bore you with that as I have mentioned it in other posts. It soon hit me that hubby would also have to walk our daughter to school when the holidays was over. Also with that came the fact that hubby needed a new car, his old one is close to falling apart.

So, I had that all in my mind and talked it through with my therapist on our first visit.

With anxiety, you are always looking for ways out, or how to make things happen as long as you don’t have to face it. My mind always does this, another bad behaviour I need to stop doing.

Hubby and I talked things through after my first visit with the therapist, and we decided to book her today, so hubby could go out and test drive a car. And for myself, because I needed to know what I was practicing was right. Also, because my therapist is lovely and would hopefully put me at ease. I don’t want you all to think it was about the car because it wasn’t. We also decided I would walk to school with hubby to take the youngest; the oldest daughter would also walk with us in case I had to come back.

I had two days of low anxiety, but negative thoughts would jump in from time to time. I started wearing an elastic band around my wrist, snapping it when I had bad thoughts. It works to a point, but at times I’m too late to snap it. I also noticed that I reframed those thoughts at times.

Anyway, last night I was fine, my anxiety didn’t bother me too much, although I did question why I had put three major hurdles on myself.

Waking up this morning, I was okay too, but decided to meditate just to relax a little. I heard myself snore by the time I had finished listening. I knew I was in a good place then.

The house came alive, and so did my thoughts. I had a poo<<<< yes there’s that word again. I handled it though and got dressed. I was a little nervous, shaking a little, but my anxiety held off.

We left to walk to school, and although we didn’t make it all the way I was still feeling okay.

Arriving home, I managed to eat my toast, and have a few sips of my green tea. It all went downhill after that. I had another poo then came the attack. All I could think about was hubby leaving; it might have also been down to my therapist coming to. All I held onto was the fact that hubby would leave at some point. I tried to calm myself with no success.

My therapist by now had turned up and talked me through grounding myself. I told her I just wanted to calm down but didn’t think I could. She wanted to get straight onto Reiki to help me do that. She asked me to lie down, but I was shaking so badly I couldn’t. It didn’t take her long to get me to though.

Now, this is where I felt the fullness of the shakes my body goes through especially my legs. I’m also walking around, I have never led down to calm myself.

My therapist placed her hands on me, sorry I can’t remember where but the heat from her hands stopped the shaking somewhat. I love her hands, and I told her that. The heat from them helps me a lot.

With her help, I did relax, but it was hard to keep myself in the healing. It didn’t help that every time hubby moved, or I heard the clip of his shoes I brought myself back out as I thought he was leaving. My legs began to shake again, and my therapist talked me through the breathing to bring me back in. From when I led down, to shaking so much I could have had a starring role in the Exorcist, I never thought she would help me relax, but she did.

I’m not sure how many times I was in and out, but all I could think about was hubby going. I then decided it might be best if he left, he had taken himself off to another room at this point. I called him, no response, my therapist called him, she even went to look for him, but the sod had sneaked out the back.

I did get a bit anxious about that, but I was still lying down, and it helped that my therapist talked to me with me talking back. Two minutes later, hubby walked back through the door with a grin on his face. He had been out for his test drive and liked how the car drove. I immediately calmed down. We now have a new car, but don’t have it yet as paperwork, etc. needs to be done. He needs to sign the papers and get the car, so my mind isn’t dealing well with that right now.

The Reiki session soon ended, and my therapist told me I did well, and that I can control my attacks as I had done serval times. Again, this will take time.

Even though I did panic, I think I can say I did well for putting myself through those three things. I even tried to walk to the school again to pick the daughter up; I didn’t make it, but in time I will.

I can take more positives from today than negatives and will hold onto that.