Positives

I don’t tend to write about my positives, and after talking with my therapist yesterday, I understand why.

When someone says, they are proud of me or well done; I just tend to laugh it off. I brush it away and don’t acknowledge it.

My therapist hit it on the head when she said something along the lines of I’m scared too.

Why would I be afraid? That’s because to me if I acknowledge my positives my anxiety will take me back a step, and they will be lost to me.

I think deep down I knew this, but when she explained it to me, I told myself I was silly for doing that. Why shouldn’t I shout it from the rooftops that I went to the shop, or I walked the daughter to school? Why shouldn’t I be proud of that?

I should be, and I will be from now on. I’m going to own those positives and wear it like a badge.

We also talked about a board where I can record these positives which will help me appreciate them more. My therapist thinks with me having a visual of what I do each day; I will come to see what positives I do achieve. I’m hoping that board turns up today.

I am also going to start writing a I am grateful journal this will be another way to see all the little things that make up my day of positives. I’m also going to start a positive affirmation journal where I will say something aloud, e.g. I CAN DO THIS, write it in the journal then read it back to myself. My therapist has also recommended that I burn my favourite oil, and eat my favourite chocolate while doing this, so I’m using all my senses.

She had me at chocolate!!!! I am joking of course.

I actually think when I am having a bad day going back to look at my journals will confirm that my life isn’t always about the negatives. It might feel like that at the time, but I will see it isn’t.

I never really thought of walking my daughter to school as a big deal, I guess that’s why I laughed off the praise. Once again, my therapist made me look at it a different way.

She explained making a cup of tea is a process. You boil the kettle, get a cup, put your teabag in, sugar, milk then the hot water. Well, it’s the same for walking to school. I get up, I get dressed, brush my hair, teeth. Put my boots and coat on. So, it is a big deal because I do all that to get myself out the door. I probably haven’t explained that well, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say.

Talking about the school run, something happened this morning that I would usually stew over. First, I want to say, I said hello to someone this morning, and even smiled at one of those women I was worried about last week. Get me!!

We walked as we usually do the same way each morning. I get to a certain spot and feel my anxiety rise. I have learnt to push through it now, and carry on. We made it to the road which you need to cross to get to the school. Hubby said let’s go this way as it gets pretty crowded at the gates. About half way down, I knew I wanted to turn back, the further away I get from my home the more I panic.

I pushed on, though. Again, I voiced that I didn’t like this, but hubby pointed to say, we can turn off this way, and the girls can carry onto the school. I was fine with that. As soon as we said goodbye, and turned away from them, I had a small attack. My throat went dry, my heart raced, my stomach turned over. Hubby knows to talk to me when this happens, so we talked crap for a while. While having the attack all I could think about was, I need to get home, and made hubby walk faster.

There is a little old man who walks past us each morning taking his granddaughter to school. There are three schools in our area, so there is a lot of kids and parents about. This man walks his granddaughter to the school near us, which is a two-minute walk, while we walk the other way to another school which is a ten-minute walk.

Anyway, at times he will stop and talk with us. On the way back I spotted him, and turned to hubby to say, please don’t stop today, I just want to get home. We past each other, and there was a brief pause as the weather was mentioned.

Do you know what? It was after that meeting that I notice my anxiety had gone. Stupid, right? I don’t know if I walked it off, or if that mention of snow calmed me, but I’m grateful for that. Oh! I need to put that in my journal.

Once we arrived home, and I decided to write this post I realised something. I would usually see the negative from that attack, dwell on it even, but I didn’t. I told myself, yes that happened today, but it doesn’t mean it will happen tomorrow. I will take that as a positive because to me it is.

It is hard to be positive all the time, but to acknowledge the small things leads to the bigger picture. Even if you are on a downer, a hug, a smile, even making it from your bed to another room is a positive. Look for them as they are all around you.